Summer Hints For Big Guys


It’s here and it already has a bad attitude. I’m talking about summer. We all complain about the cold all winter and then in the traditional Chicago fashion, it went from 45 degrees to 100 degrees in a week.

As much as the skinny, healthy, athletic people of the world enjoy the heat and can walk around on a 100-degree day and barely break a sweat, we big guys can produce enough sweat to fill a large swimming pool. We hate the heat. But our true enemy is the humidity. I have asked Mayor Baldermann to remove the humidity from the air here in the Midwest as a part of my tax payment. The letter must be lost somewhere on his desk because I haven’t heard back from him.

Big guys like me have specific limits in this kind of heat. Exercise? Forget it. Outdoor construction such as deck building or house painting…well, I ought to come over there and give you a good dose of Mr. Armpit. An outdoor party in 100-degree heat and my brother-in-law doesn’t believe in air conditioning…I should have taken him out when I had the chance.

To clarify the summer rules for Big Guys please note the following points:

  • Don’t ask us to frolic from store to store in this heat.  Big Guys don’t frolic. Always respect the frolic free zone when with a big guy.
  • Please do not schedule any events that require us to wear a suit. This may result in heat exhaustion and fainting. Which means you (the skinny person) will be forced to pick us up. This constitutes a bad day for all involved.
  • Don’t ask me to lay out at the beach. Skinny people enjoy it, I, on the other hand, feel like a piece of bacon in a cast iron pan. Besides, there’s always that group of “Peta” people who run up, throw water on my body, and tie my feet to a tugboat line. The tug pulls me out to sea, and I end up spending the next two hours swimming back to shore.
  • It is customary to feed me egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam in the summer months. It helps to beat the heat. (Sorry, just watched an episode of Monty Python)
  • Don’t ask me to go for a walk in the mid-afternoon when the temperature is 98 degrees unless you’re trying to learn how to use your portable defibrillator. Better yet, don’t even ask. God invented Air Conditioning so big guys can live long fruitful (poor choice of healthy-sounding words, nothing in this paragraph should represent the word fruit) lives.

So if you’re looking for me, I’ll be laying on the floor, next to the air conditioning vent, trying to absorb as much of this little slice of heaven as I can.

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