I have been asked to give the commencement address to the pre-school graduating class of 2018. My last successful run at the title of valedictorian occurred in my pre-school years where I excelled at “not wetting my pants 101” and received my masters in “not sticking green beans up my nose 101”. My master’s thesis revealed to the world that the vitamins in green beans cannot be absorbed by the nasal passages. It was published throughout the world in Pre-Schooler Monthly’s science and discovery section. (Right next to the “evils of eating crayons” section). My speech is as follows. Please try to keep up.
“I’d like to start by thanking all the fabulous professors and teachers here at (Insert pre-school name) and of course, the graduates of the pre-school class of 2018! (Loud thunderous applause).
Pre-School is done. Your life is just beginning. Eating paste will no longer be acceptable. Inserting crayons up your nose is also frowned upon. You will only be allowed to continue these childish habits if you secure the advanced title of “Class Clown” or “Small town newspaper writer,” although I have gone to rehab to kick my paste eating habit. Stay away from the paste kids. It can only lead to trouble and a long stent in rehab with Gary Busey. Gary smells funny, so I suggest you give up “The Paste”.
Kindergarten will be filled with wonderful changes. You will get your own cubby space to store your valuables. The teachers are always nice. There are difficulties too. Now brace yourself, children, nap time will be eliminated due to the poor economy and the government’s vast conspiracy to make you tired all the time so you overpay your taxes. I’m working on exposing the evil people who have eliminated naps from all nap lovers throughout the United States. (I’m pretty sure it was Rush Limbaugh). Now settle down children, crying will not help. We have to band together to stop this injustice! Who’s with me?!!
My advice to you is simple and will be given in short, concise sentences. This will be the last advice you will get that won’t involve long explanations and references to the speakers past that will have little to nothing to do with your future.
- Stay off the monkey bars. They are the main reason for stitches in grade school.
- Moms will try hard to get you to eat vegetables. Resistance is futile. Your revenge will be taken later when you wreck her car.
- Don’t be a bully. The children you bully will someday be your boss. You will be the first one laid off.
- She thinks you’re cute. She will give you a valentine. She will kiss you at prom. Then she’ll run over your heart like a possum in the center of the road. Be ready.
- Don’t forget to go out and play. This should continue throughout your entire life.
- Teachers talk to Mommies. Mommies talk to Daddies. Do I need to say more?
- Don’t be embarrassed if you wet your pants. Grandpa and Grandma do it too.
Good luck children. Remember, you will rule the world someday. Now one of you needs to plan on being a great doctor who can cure the disease that will ravage me in my old age. By the way, great doctors don’t eat paste. It’s a prerequisite for getting into medical school.
Now, go forward and play.