Did the Manners Fairy Die?

We all need this article.

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What’s the world coming to when getting someone to say “please” and “thank you” is harder than my algebra final in high school was? Those of you who know me have been exposed to my almost pathological fear of math, so you know that I mean business when I say that. Why have manners fallen so far down the totem pole of parenting priorities?

It’s pretty simple. Most of the parents aren’t very polite either. If I see one more person step up to the cashier at Starbucks and continue to talk on the phone and then get mad at the cashier for interrupting her phone call to ask for the money, I’m going to shove their latte’ with skim milk in a place where the sun don’t shine. “Eileen, can you please pass the Xanax, I’m starting to get in one of my wipe out humanity moods.”

There are plenty of people who speed up so you can’t merge in front of them on the expressway. They’d rather see you crash then let you get in front of them in line. Or the guy who feels he has to show the 16-year-old girl at Burger King whose boss because she accidently gave him a Diet Coke instead of a Sprite. He’s a big tough guy you know; he has to embarrass her in public to make himself feel good. How about being courteous? How about just being nice? Remember what Mom and Dad taught you?

Some of our government officials are just as bad, like congressmen who take pot shots at anyone in the opposite political party because they think it will further their political career. CEOs of companies who take huge amounts of money in bonuses and then turn around and lay off people so the bottom line looks good enough to rake in that extra money. (See paragraph two for instructions on what to do with your bonus).

What can we do to improve the world and it lack of manners? How do we get the Manners fairy to come back to our little world? Here are some helpful tips…

  • If you feel that saying please and thank you shows weakness, please drive your car into the nearest tree. You will have to be going at least 60 MPH to get the full effects of this ground-breaking treatment.
  • If you feel it’s your God given right to talk on your cell phone whenever the hell you want to, please lay down in a nice bubble bath and blow-dry your hair. Make sure you have lots of shampoo on your hands. Go ahead and lay the hair dryer down in the water, I’m sure it will float!
  • If you are in a position of authority and feel it is okay to treat people like crap because you’re the boss, I want you to spend some serious time on the golf course during a lightning storm. Please make sure you take a very slow backswing with all iron shots. If you get a birdie jump up and down with the golf club high in the air. This becomes more effective if you stand in water.

Please be kind to each other. We get one chance to make a first impression. If most of your first impressions qualify you as “Idiot of the Month” you need to sign up for manners training.

I have spoken.

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