Having Your Midlife Crisis With Kids

Your Midlife Crisis


I must say people this is a question that a whole lot of my friends have already asked themselves and answered with a resounding YES. You know the ones I’m talking about. They’ve been married 20 years, worked their way up the corporate ladder and achieved some significant financial success. They have bought the expensive car, house, and boat. Maybe even a summer home on a lake somewhere.

This is always a tough call for me though. I don’t really want to have a mid-life crisis. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. You see, I still like to chase my wife around the house, I don’t want or need an expensive car, and I have trouble keeping up with the work I have to do at this house let alone a second. As for a boat, a boat means I have to put on a swimsuit, and let’s face it, no one wants to see that on a leisurely drive on the lake. That’s how fish started walking. They see something like me in a swimsuit on their lake and they’ve had enough. Legs sprout, and before you know it, they’re running brokerage firms on Wall Street.

I don’t know how to recognize one when it hits me, so I’ve developed a list of warning signs that your mid-life crisis is here.

  1. Your secretary has a 40 DD bra size, she wears short skirts, she has an I.Q. similar to that of a turnip, and you think she would be a nice trophy wife to show off to your friends. Before you do it, take a picture of all your stuff. Get it blown up to at least an 11 x 14 poster, and take a black marker and color over at least half your stuff. That will go to your wife, and then color over ¼ of the remaining stuff. That will go to your lawyer. Whatever is left will no longer impress your secretary. She will run off with the pool boy.
  2. You suddenly get the urge to try skydiving or swimming with sharks or drag racing. These are all o.k. as long as your life insurance is paid up to date. Make sure your first wife doesn’t pack your parachute or starve the sharks before you get in the water, or loosen the front wheels of your dragster. First wives will get even. It’s in their DNA.
  3. If the car you’re planning on buying costs more than the first or second house you bought. Spend no more than $40,000 on a car. That way, you’ll have money left over for the incredible debt trophy wife #2 will get you in.
  4. “I’m going to the Harley Davidson dealership and pick me up one of them hog things” First and foremost if you go into the Harley dealership and say the above statement to any of the real bikers there, you will leave missing some teeth. If you’ve never had a Harley Davidson or any other motorcycle in your life, take a good hard look at the one you just bought. In a couple of hours, it will be wrapped around a tree and you’ll be in the hospital wishing you hadn’t divorced your first wife because trophy wife has no desire to be married to a man who can’t ride a motorcycle. It says it right there on her tattoo.
  5. I think I will grow my hair out and put it in a ponytail. I should die it jet black like it was when I was a kid too. I’ll look as cool as I did when I was in my twenties! Here’s what I need you to do. Look in the mirror. Your hair is gray, live with it. It shows you’ve lived. Growing a ponytail is just a bad idea. If you’re really thinking of dying your hair jet black, you might as well take it a step further and pick up the sequined jumpsuit and start growing those sideburns because baby, you’re a hunk a hunk of burnin’ love. We would like to book you to do your tribute show at the here in June for two or three sold-out shows.

I think I’ll stay gray, drive my beat up car, and continue to be crazy about my first and only wife. In the long run, I won’t be as successful as some of my friends, but I’ll get to keep all of my stuff.

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