Today’s topic…Cell Phone Etiquette or lack thereof. Even here in this lovely metropolis, the ugly cell phone manners demon has reared its ugly head. I was at a restaurant in New Lenox (you don’t need to know which one, this has happened to me in more than one restaurant) just about ready to order when at the table next to me a young lady gets a phone call and decides to answer the phone during dinner. I was sooooo enjoying the obnoxious ringtone at that point I was hoping she would let it ring and ring and ring. Nothing better than a rap song ring tone loud enough for all of us to hear. When the little princess finally answered it, she was so incredibly loud in her conversation I feel I should share the contents with you as she was kind enough to share them with everyone in the restaurant. Why should you miss out because you decided to order a pizza and watch American Idol? So, here’s what I learned from her conversation:
- Jessica is not who everyone thinks she is. She likes to party.
- Jason likes Jessica but doesn’t want to start a relationship before he goes away to college. (I like Jason, he’s smart)
- Abby can’t stand her boyfriend. He drinks you know.
- This cell phone is so lame. It never works right. I only use it because my Dad won’t pay for a new one. (The nerve of some guys!)
- Jessica wants to like marry Jason. Like ASAP! Like I think that’s total @*%#&%#! (insert the mother of all bad word here)
- Cory is going as far away from his (or her) parents as possible.
- Amanda has been working at Starbucks in Orland and can get us like free coffee and stuff. (I like Amanda too, but she’s going to get fired)
- I’ll be at Jessica’s party on Saturday night, but I’ll be late, my brother is having his lame birthday party. I don’t know why I have to go. My parents are making me. (like isn’t Jessica going to be like mad because you like said she wasn’t like what you thought)
- High school was so boring. I can’t wait to go to college where I can do whatever I want. (yeah, good luck with that)
- I’ve got to hang up now; some dude at the table next to me is giving me a dirty look. I wish people would mind there own business!
Here’s the best part, the waitress at this point was tired of waiting to take her order and asked her what she wanted. Instead of asking her friend to hold, she pointed to an item on the menu and barely acknowledged the waitress. She went on with talking to her friend at the table that she had been ignoring for the last 5 minutes like nothing happened. Even her friend appeared annoyed by the whole Jessica/Jason/Cory/Amanda story.
So, to avoid further aggravations regarding public cell phone use I’ve found myself drawn to a distant mountain. After many hours of climbing, I came upon a burning bush shaped just like a cell phone. The burning cell phone bush has sent me with these…
10 Commandments of Cell Phone Use!!
(Insert scary thundering voice here)
- I hold ye responsible for switching your phone to vibrate in any public gathering establishment. Failure to do so will result in many unexplained dropped calls.
- I will not under any circumstances answer my phone when checking out at the store. That’s what voice mail is for. Behold the power of Voice Mail.
- Talking way above a normal conversational volume is hereby forbidden.
- Failure to use your turn signal while talking on your cell phone will be punished by multiple traffic citations.
- “Text Messaging” is not a recognized language. But it is allowed as a more tolerable form of communication.
- Turning thy cell phone off is not a sin.
- Talking on your Bluetooth headset while walking through a crowd of people makes you look crazier then Paris Hilton on a day pass.
- Under no circumstance should you use thy cell phone during a trip to the bathroom? (We’ve all heard it from the stall next door) Can you say Voicemail? I knew thy could.
- Cell phones shall only be issued to children over the age of 12. Any child under the age of 12 caught with a cell phone will be forced to go play outside.
- Walkie-talkies were cool when you were a kid. Now they allow the whole world to hear both ends of your boring cell phone conversation. They are hereby forbidden in public places.
Behold thy rules and live by them. We owe each other the courtesy of a little peace here and there. We all need to use the cell phone, not just every minute. Don’t make me take another trip up the mountain!