As time goes by you realize your Dad wasn’t as completely insane as you thought. What I now understand is that my definition of insanity during my teenage years was actually my father just experiencing what all fathers go through…confusion. Not confusion in a dementia sort of way, but more in a “Nobody tells me anything around here” kind of way. No matter how hard he tried not to, he still ended up looking like a verbal idiot most of the time.
How does it end up this way? The answer is simple. “Nobody tells me anything around here!!!” The confusion continues to grow and before you know it you’re cutting the grass in Bermuda shorts, no shirt, black socks and dress shoes. You don’t even realize you have walked out to cut the grass in this outfit because your brain is filled with things like “how am I going to pay the mortgage this month”? Or “when is tuition due for this college semester”? Or my personal favorite “who has practice and when do I have to pick them up”? Filling your brain with all this stuff will cause other sections of your brain to malfunction and before you know it you’re cutting the grass in the ‘fore mentioned outfit and still thinking you look good.
Here are the signs and symptoms you may experience when you are turning into your father. Be aware of them! I can only take so many Dads cutting their grass in the Bermuda shorts, black shoes outfit.
- You find yourself saying things like “Music was much better in my day”! The crap you kids listen to isn’t music. “Now sit down and I’ll play you my Deep Purple Machine Head album and you will listen to the whole thing and you will like it!!”
- You are convinced you can fix anything to save some money. You have gotten to the point where you’re sure you could perform open heart surgery on yourself just to save some money. Once you figure out how to control the anesthetic and remain semi-conscious, you’ll be saving big money.
- You’re CONSTANTLY turning off lights. You have no desire to send your electric company any extra money and you make that known to anyone in your general vicinity by saying things like “I’m not paying to light up the world” or “What am I, Mr. Edison! Turn off the lights!”
- You’re sure you can drive your car another 100,000 miles even though the bumper is held on by duct tape and the exhaust pipe is made of an old fence post. The car is two-tone…blue and rust. When it hits a bump, a cloud of oxidized iron is expelled and other drivers look at you with the “Give it up, buddy” expression on their face.
- You no longer have a butt. Something happened to it, no one knows what. It disappeared not long after your 40th You are left with a flat area that has little to no cushion left. That’s why you never see dads sitting on the floor. It hurts too much.
- You are at the beach with your family and you have chosen the “Sandals with socks fashion statement” to impress all the young ladies on the beach. You think you still got it. The truth is, if you think this is a sexy look, you never had it in the first place.
So, there you go. Watch out for the signs and symptoms of this terrible disease. Remember though, your true payback for all the ribbing you’ve been getting from your family will manifest itself years from now when you watch one of your sons walk around his house turning lights off and uttering every word of signs and symptoms #3.